Without Your Wounds...

This past week, I've been more and more aware of a darkness that has been seeping into my thoughts, making it difficult to see clearly, to think clearly, to find joy. It is a darkness that's visited me many times, but I had thought I'd grown - thought I'd conquered it. It is full of swirling accusations about my worth as a person, my value, my lack of gifts or uniqueness that leaves me paralyzed with the thought there is nothing I can do that is worthy. I've pondered where it comes from...things so innocent as laughter that I'm not a part of, feeling invisible and alone with one who's known me for so long, and a myrid of little whispered thoughts that I've bought into since I was a little girl that I know the deceiver says at opportune times.

With the realization that I'm falling into the same pit I've escaped before, brings more shame and more failure. I know the truth of who I am in God's sight, but buy into the truth of who I am in this world as well. I go to bed, willing the self-condemnation to stop - but find eventually it is creeping back the next day. I've seen the despair and lack of hope in someone's eyes recently and maybe that is why I am so aware of the darkness creeping into my thoughts. I could feel the weight on her chest, could see that it took everything she could to keep drawing breath. I know that feeling.

Tonight, I picked up a book my boys are studying entitled, "Posers, Fakers & Wannabes" and was brought to tears by a story from a play that is set at the pool of Bethesada, the place where Jesus healed the crippled man in John 5. I read, "A doctor comes, longing to be healed of his depression. When the angel appears he keeps the doctor from stepping into the water. The physician begs the angel for help but the angel says this moment is not for him. 'Without your wounds where would your power be? It is your melancholy that makes your low voice tremble into the hearts of men and women. The very angels themselves cannot persuade the wretched and blundering children on earth as can one human being broken on the wheels of living. In Love's service, only wounded soldiers can serve. Physician, draw back.'"

I am thankful for my wounds, I have been thankful for the bouts of depression because I do see how God grows me in them. Help me not to be fearful Lord. Help me to be like Paul and realize my weaknesses, my failures, my difficulties are not failures in Your eyes - help me to rejoice in them so that I stand on is YOU and not me. May my wounds help me to serve more.