Multitude Mondays

11.   Chilly, fall days
12.  Another year with my Dad and answer to prayer that after 14 radiation treatments he has no side effects.
13.  Husband who prays for me when I'm anxious about church
14.  Nate - 6 years today and I pray many more with him
15.  Madeline - 8 years tomorrow and I pray many more with her
16.  Time spent w/ Townsends enjoying Shawn McDonald this past weekend
17.  Friends  - who are faithful in praying
18.  Time spent with Dad as he shared with Jake, Isaiah & Madeline how God's encouraged him through this disease.
19.  my Capitivating God!
20.  my girl, asking if I'll hold her after she gets her jammies on, reminding me how fleeting our time together is....

Multitude Mondays

I've been motivated to start Multitude Mondays by the Holy Experience Blog - to number at least 10 things a week that I am grateful for.  Some things may be eventful, while others are simple and almost insignificant, yet they all are gifts and blessings from above.
1.  God's presence....more and more it feels like my days are filled with conversations with God - where I know He is near and listening to my quiet thoughts.
2.  BSF - the dedicated leaders who give of their time to grow myself and my children in our walks w/ God
3.  Homeschooling - I truly love the days I spend with my children - being a part of their education and trying to continually remind them how God is a part of everything we do
4. Charis - today we talked on the phone, shared challenges I'm facing and was challenged to watch the words I use, and to know that she is always praying for me....
5.  listening to Jake, Maddie & Zeke play guitar, piano and drums.....it is rare in our household to not hear one of those kids playing something....even today Maddie was sitting at the piano making up her own song w/ chords (and she didn't even know she was using chords!)
6.  good friends - we had "church" all weekend long w/ our dear friends, the Bakers.....and spending time w/ Denise & her family for BSF....and how much I am blessed to have friends who want to "know" me and who let me "know" them.
7.  Nature - a handful of acorns and seedpods shout out God's awesomeness to me....I couldn't help but collect them this past weekend, each one was unique and eye-catching!

8.  the feeling of clean wood floors....had to totally mop today after unpacking all the camping stuff and I love how this unseen weight of grunginess disappears in my soul after I've mopped.
9. The reminder in John 21 that no matter our circumstances Jesus still says Follow Me.....every day I need to remember to walk where He would have me walk and keep my eyes only on Him
10. Grumpy little hedgehog....Hedgie or Boog or whatever we've named her is so "untouchable" but I seem determined to get to her w/ time each night and kindness....good lesson to me that I need to persevere like that with other difficult people in my life.

Disturb Us....

Disturb us, Lord, when
We are too well pleased with ourselves,
When our dreams have come true
Because we have dreamed too little,
When we arrived safely
Because we sailed too close to the shore.

Disturb us, Lord, when
with the abundance of things we possess
We have lost our thirst
For the waters of life;
Having fallen in love with life,
We have ceased to dream of eternity
And in our efforts to build a new earth,
We have allowed our vision
Of the new Heaven to dim.

Disturb us, Lord, to dare more boldly,
to venture on wider seas
Where storms will show your mastery;
Where losing sight of land,
We shall find the stars.
We ask You to push back
The horizons of our hopes;
And to push into the future
In strength, courage, hope, and love.
{Sir Francis Drake}  (taken fr Seeking Him blog)

I loved this thought from an explorer!  When I'm discouraged by the storms of relationships - may I remember to look for His Mastery - where when I let go of everything comfortable to me - that I'll find Him more.  I love the reminder too that those that "arrive safely" often never venture far from the shore!  Send me out Lord - May I loose sight of everything but YOU!

Beautiful by Shawn McDonald

As I look into the stars
Pondering how far away they are
How You hold them in Your hands
And still You know this man
You know my inner most being, oh
Even better than I know, than I know myself
What a beautiful God
What a beautiful God
And what am I, that I might be called Your child
What am I, what am I
That You might know me, my King
What am I, what am I, what am I
As I look off into the distance
Watching the sun roll on by
Beautiful colors all around me, oh
Painted all over the sky
The same hands that created all of this
They created you and I
What a beautiful God
What a beautiful God
And what am I, that I might be called Your child
What am I, what am I
That You might know me, my King
What am I, what am I
That You might die, that I might live
What am I, what am I, what am I, what am I
What am I
What am I
What am I
What am I
What am I

Shine in Me

This morning God used the windows in my room to speak into my heart again.... I can tell myself my windows are clean as long as the light is not shining on them, but when the light shines on them - every smudge, all the dirt, every wet nose swipe shows up. 

The Holy Spirit whispered, "You're not so different Charli.  You think you're "looking good" until my light shines into your heart, then you cannot hide the "dirt": the pride, the selfishness, the anger, the idol worship, the false humility."

LORD!!!   Shine in me, convict me, have mercy on me!  "Let Your face shine on your servant;
       save me in your unfailing love." Ps 31:16

Fixing My Eyes

Yesterday was our first day of home-school.  I felt totally unprepared for it and yet felt I could no longer put it off and I think part of me hoped that maybe it would just flow even though I wasn't totally organized.  We started out by going out to breakfast - our tradition from when Jake started Kindergarten.  Although, again I felt disappointed in myself because I didn't have all their back-to-school gifts boughten and ready to give. 

On our way home, we stopped at the church property to walk the Prayer Path that Cal had mowed in the meadow there.  I explained to the kids that they could pray about anything they wanted, but that the goal was to shake off all about this world that hinders us and focus on God.   It was a beautiful sight to watch our five children circle around on a seemingly hidden path and knowing that they were all  right on the path God has for them.  I found myself picking wildflowers as I walked the path too.

But then we came home and I felt myself get more distracted by the chaos in our home, the boys' asking for help on Math, Maddie asking "What more can I do Mom?" and Nate inquiring "When am I gonna do something?"  Meanwhile, the messy house, the bag of tomatoes by the sink that needed to be washed, the clutter everywhere I turned, and my own "condemner" in my head pushed me down into the pit.  Instead of joy and beauty, I felt saddness and disappointment at the day I had created for our children. 

But I did glimpse beauty in watching Nate - when I finally let everything else go and just sat and did Nature Study with him.  He was drawing a picture of the Monarch caterpillar's Chyrsallis and he didn't need any help from me - he was so excited to be "doing school" that he just went to town!

Yet the enemy was out to steal my joy once again because the tape holding the chyrsallis up came loose and it fell to the table right in front of us.  It began dripping out of the bottom and I felt so sad.  Sad to that it happened, sad to think the miracle going on inside will be halted and sad that something else had to go wrong to dampen my joy.  It seeped over our dinner table - while our kids told Ted they had a good day at school today.  I couldn't accept what they said though because my view was that the day had been a disaster.  Later that evening, Ted and I were talking on the couch and we heard, but could not see, a tree fall in the woods.  The sound was painful and immediately I thought, "That is the sound my life has been today."  I went to bed, discouraged about my walk and everything God puts in my life to do.

But this morning, time with Him brought me glimpses of truth.  "They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. " 

A song by Shawn McDonald encouraged me... Open Me
Would You open up eyes, so I can see
Would You open up my ears, so I can hear
Would You open up my mind, so I can know
Would You open up my heart, so could love You more

I want to serve You, my God
I want to give everything
I want to serve You, my King, yeah
I want to serve You, my Lord
I want to give You everything, yeah

Here I am with my arms open wide
Asking for You to come up, up inside
Won’t You make me new, won’t You make me true
Jesus, won’t You make me like You, oh

Will You touch my eyes so I can see
Will You touch my ears so I can hear
Will You touch my mind so I can know
Will You touch my heart so I can love You more

Won’t You open me
Won’t You open me, open me
Won’t You open me, open me
Won’t You open me, open me
Won’t You open me, open me 

While I listened to that song, the warmth of the sun creeping through one corner of the window caught my eye, it was yellow, warm even though it was light outside, but the warm light was just reaching the house.  I heard the Holy Spirit whisper into my soul, "Let me light you like that.  Even though you are alive, true life comes from me and I grow and fill all the dark places." 

Then Ted asked me to walk w/ him down Crocus Trail with Maddie & Nate and we picked flowers we'd never seen and the first red maple leaf in our path....

Then I came in and peered at the chrysallis, expecting to see it all black and rotting.  But instead I saw God's Hand again..... 

The chyrsallis is still green, there is evidence of the damage done yesterday, but it is scabbed over and holding together now.   Just like me - bruised,  imperfect, but still here waiting to see what beautiful thing God will do in me.

¹⁸So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.  2 Corinthians 4:18

Struggling today...

I seem overwhelmed today with the realization that I have so much to seek forgiveness for... I see my heart as no one else sees it and see pride, insecurity, self-importance, jealousy, idol worship, the struggle between wanting to rejoice in others praise without longing to hear my own praise and all these things creep into my daily life in little, seemingly, insignificant ways - but today they are bringing me to tears almost each minute. I'm humbled with my face on the ground this morning before God - wanting Him to know I see all my ugliness inside - I'm not blind to it - wanting Him to know I need Him to not give up on me and to continue to transform me, like refining silver....

As I cried and talked w/ God today - my last words were, "Lord - more of You, less of me...more of You, less of me." That is what it all come down to. I want those sins in my heart to die, so that He may live in me...so that His love will become my love - for my children, for my husband, my extended family, my friends, my neighbors.

“God is not a belief to which you give your assent. God becomes a reality whom you know intimately, meet everyday, one whose strength becomes your strength, whose love, your love. Live this life of the presence of God long enough and when someone asks you, “Do you believe there is a God?” you may find yourself answering, “No, I do not believe there is a God. I know there is a God.” ~Ernest Boyer, Jr.