Watch Over My Heart

This past weekend, Ted said I was having a heart attack, but what I know is that it was just intense, physical pain brought on by the awareness of how I fail Christ and the bride of Christ.  You see, God's led me to a place of leadership within our local body, a place I vehemently did not want to go, but I knew God wanted my obedience.  I often say, "I don't know what God is thinking having me lead worship", but time and time again I recognize that it has been a good place for me because it has heightened my awareness of pride vs humility.  Whenever God calls me from this ministry or God brings someone better equipped to lead this ministry, my prayer is that it will be said of me that, "It wasn't about Charli.  It was all about HIM."

That is my prayer, but to be honest, I'm repeatedly reminded that without intention, I make it about Charli.  Such was the case this past weekend.  I went to worship practice, struggled against almost constant thoughts that I can't sing well, I can't lead a band well, I...I...I... and then the deceiver threw in another wrench on my already over-tightened screw.  Instead of asking me if she could sing a song this week for offering, a team member had asked the pastor.  Something so petty, so unimportant, such a good reminder that this is a team effort - and yet I felt the feelings of being offended rear up.  I tried not to let it show and tried to speak encouragement, hoping my heart would follow fully. 

But it bothered me and niggled at me, even after I had gone home. Inside I warred against my own thoughts, because I knew it was a sin - it was offense, it was a trap set by the devil.  When my husband came home, I finally let it out - had to verbalize the warring within me.  Even as I spoke the words, I could hear how silly it all was and voiced that as well.  We got in the car to go somewhere and I sat watching the landscape pass by, while my "world" was frozen by the scene of sin in my life.  Tears began to fall and I looked to Ted and said, "I'm ashamed of my reaction and cannot help but think someone else should be leading worship, someone who is not so quick to make everything about her, someone who does not struggle as much as I do."

Ted quietly responded, "Maybe that is exactly what makes you the best person for the job right now - you see your sin, you are grieved by your sin."

But the tears didn't stop because I want so much better for Christ's bride.  So much better than I have to offer.  A sharp pain in my chest ached long after our conversation as we sat in the car.  Quietly I prayed and thanked God for the pain - for the reminder that my sin grieves Him.  I prayed, "More of You, Less of me," the pain was welcomed - maybe it signifies a little bit of death of Charli.

A day or two later, I read this quote by J.C. Ryle....

“Is your heart right? Then be humble and watchful. You are not yet in heaven, but in the world. You are in the body. The devil is near you, and never sleeps. Oh, keep your heart with all diligence! Watch and pray lest you fall into temptation. Ask Christ Himself to keep your heart for you. Ask Him to dwell in it, and reign in it, and garrison it, and to put down every enemy under His feet.”

Lord, keep my heart for me, because I am too often weakened by my own selfish desires.. Reign in it, garrison it, and put down every enemy under Your feet!