Weighing Us Down

Last week I was struck with how this blog may leave readers with the impression that our homeschooling days are full of beauty, peace and kindness.  This is something I strive for and pray for daily, but it is not always that way.  Things go awry somewhere in the "recipe and plan", just like today when I was trying to make more bread (I know - I just can't stop).  Not everything at the Sinnaeve household is beautiful.

The stove went bezerk and burnt two loaves (it wasn't my fault to be sure!), but many days in our homeschool life I feel as if we're treading through a fire and getting burnt as well and I must admit that I often find myself reflecting how I bear some of the blame.  Last week, amid all the beauty surrounding us outside, we had a day like these loaves, ugliness to begin with, ending in beauty.

I can't even explain what started it, but I know from quite early in the day, I felt weighed down by all I had to do.  I became very aware of how often I saw things left undone that I had asked the kids to do, like daily chores or school tasks and began to be frustrated that I had to follow everyone around and "hound" them to do as I say.  I'm sure my voice was filled with more and more annoyance and the "fingernails on a chalkboard" sound to my childrens' ears.  Looking back, it's obvious to me now, that the growing beligerent attitude of my eldest child was fanned by my biting comments.

This continued on through the day....what I must believe all homeschooling moms experience...the feeling that I'm dragging everyone along to do this or that and having them resist me by not listening, snide comments, pacifying me with "after I finish this",  but then expecting me to come to them in every location of the house when they are stuck on a problem or have a question and then asking me, "What's for lunch?"

The best visual image I feel on days like this is that of being weighed down with a backpack full of heavy books.  Each time I saw my kids ignoring me and I had to go find them and drag them to do their work, it was like another heavy book was put on me.  Each time a child complained, "This is retarded. I need your help!  Why do I have to come to you?"  another heavy burden entered my backpack.  Each time I was ignored when I asked for cooperation or help, in went another heavy book.  Every hurtful comment equaled a heavy burden.

I've actually implemented this scenario to my children to teach them how their words, how they say things or complain, weigh on me, but the fact is I also add burdens onto their small backs with my guilt-driven words at times.  And by 6:00p.m., we were all weighed down internally, like the picture below illustrates.

Our facial expressions and attitudes reflected how heavy the days events weighed on us all.  Until I couldn't bear it anymore and broke down crying and called for a little meeting.   With tears flowing, I shared how unbearable this day had been for me, how burdened I felt by the lack of obedience in our home, how I desire to not be remembered as a "nagging" mother and desire our home to be filled with examples of what it means to live out being a Christ-follower.  By the time I was done, all but one of the kids recognized where they could do better at obeying and doing their best in all areas, not because Mom asked them to, but because God has asked them to live a life that way.  I had also confessed how I had added to the burdens they carried around that day and sought their forgiveness. 

The one child who would not admit any fault on his part is a lot like his mother, I believe.  And in the past, I'd be like a pit-bull holding onto him until he would see my point of view, but God has been teaching me to let Him do the work.  So all but one went away from the meeting determined to change in their attitude toward one another.  Determined to die to self and let more of Christ be seen.  And the Holy Spirit worked unseen in the next 20 minutes and in the middle of dinner, amidst family conversation, son-like-his-mother blurted out, "Mom, I'm sorry.  I see."   Our eyes met and once again I knew the barriers Satan loves to see between parent and child were gone.  They were replaced by Christ's command from John 15:17,  "This is my command.  Love each other."

Some may read this and think, "Here she goes again, showing how perfect her family is."  That is so not that case!  What I'm hoping you pick up on is that the Word of God is truth....our family is not perfect, God is!!!

Romans 8:28  "And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God."

When we truly strive to love Him, He takes our horrible day and works it together for the good of us all!