Faith...Failure...Fear...Faith #2

Today, as I was hoping and praying, God continued to work out this story in my heart. This morning and last night, I was being pulled by the undertow of the enemy, who accuses me that I'm nothing, that there must be something about me people don't like, that I need to be great in other's eyes, and on and on. Once he had me focused on the lies of my worth, he went on to question my faithfulness to God, do I really want there to be more of Him and less of me in my life b/c it's obviously all about me. This accusation cut even deeper because I pray all the time for there to be more of Him and less of me in my life, yet it is glaringly obvious that my pride is still huge!

Last night at BSF, it was all about Jesus serving the disciples and washing their feet and His command that the greatest needs to be the least in the Kingdom of God. I sat there and agreed and thought, "This is the road of dying to self I've been on," but in the blink of an eye, Satan had me focusing on all the wrong things as I watched others talk and mingle.

Today, I spent time praying that God would be patient with me, that He would give me grace and mold and shape this prideful heart of mine.  To be honest, that if it was possible, He could rip this heart of mine out.   In our BSF notes, that I read today, I began crying when I read...

"We are great in God's eyes when we humble ourselves to serve others. In whose eyes do you want to be great?"

After the reality check of last night, I have to confess it is in man's eyes I want to be great. Crying and feeling like the father in Mark 9:24 who said, "I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!", I prayed, "I do want More of You and Less of me Lord; help me change my heart completely and press in and mold my heart till there is no room for pride. Help me Father to do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than myself. (Phil. 2:3) And in doing so to focus on how You see me and to not listen to the deceiver...."

Then God used a dear friend to encourage me and pray for me later on today. And tonight as our family fed on God's Word after dinner, God's voice was like an arrow straight into my heart. In Psalm 16:4a, 5-6 I read,

"The sorrows of those who run after another god shall multiply;....

The LORD is my chosen portion and my cup; 

You hold my lot. 

The lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; 

indeed, I have a beautiful inheritance." 

God is reminding me, 'Charli, your sorrows will increase as you run after the god of man's popularity.  I have chosen for you your portion, your cup, and your lot.  It is a pleasant place and I have given you a beautiful inheritance."  When it's put like that, how can I but cry, "Lord, forgive me!!  You are perfect and Your ways are perfect.  You have created me as I am, You have determined what my life will be like, what my social standing is to me, and being nothing....being a servant...being a quiet encourager...being a wallflower is a beautiful inheritance, when I remember that it is You who have given it to me."

All around the table listened intently as I cried and shared what God was saying to me tonight.  My fear has always been that my children will struggle with the same things I do, that I'm passing it onto them and ruining them.  But I know that by sharing how God is redeeming me...loving me...forgiving me....they will see that it doesn't end in tears of pain, it ends in tears of joy!