Last week at BSF a question cut me to the core. It asked, "In what ways are others experiencing an abundance of spiritual blessings through His presence in you?" and I honestly had a difficult time answering it....an abundance of spiritual blessings....His presence in me....the cutting truth is that I don't even see my life touching others enough to have blessings flow - my life revolves around my own walk w/ Christ and my family, by nature very introverted...which led me to the heart stopping question of is His presence really in me then.... because if His presence is in me shouldn't my life be more extroverted then for His blessings to flow out of me?
Then after answering that question with all the sense of "failure" it brought me, I went to lecture and was cut to the core again...."the chief work of the Holy Spirit is to shine the light on Christ. The focus is always Christ. To know when something is the true work of the Holy Spirit, you just have to ask the question is the testimony about Christ or about me?"
Thoughts of this blog, of leading worship at church, of teaching my children at home, of being a wife, a daughter, a friend...of all that I do brought me to tears because none of it is a true testimony of Christ - too often, without me even realizing it, it becomes about me. This is not a new revelation to me, it just hurts to realize I haven't grown, haven't changed, haven't become more of Him and less of me.
We have friends who are on fire for the Lord and are bringing people to knowing Christ, just through life and sharing with them. I feel so blessed to see them being used by God, yet how am I being used? When have I ever led someone to knowing Christ?! It's hard to not follow the despair that my Christian life is nothing when I examine these areas of lacking blessings.
So, with conviction, comes repentance and then change....Lord - how do change my life, my heart, my attitude, this blog, my service at church to be a testimony of Christ? This is my journey right now, this is my prayer, cry and work. If I was to pass away this day, would He be pleased with the walk I've led or would He say, "Charli, you missed so many opportunities I created to bless others by sharing me... You tried to know me, but you totally missed the mark."
May it never be! Press in on my Lord, until I do the work You've called me to do. Refine me in the heat of conviction from my impurities....Mold me and make me into a reflection of You.
Soli Deo Gloria! (To God alone be the glory!)
2 comments:
Thanks for sharing you heart. Just want to encourage you that you are being a blessing to others! I can name 5 people right now that I know have been abundantly blessed by you & the walk with God you have! You are a tremendous blessing to me too! And Christ is seen through you! You may never lead another person to Christ (like your friends)but you have planted seeds... you have watered the soil... you have prayed to God for growth. Don't judge your with God & the place you are in by comparing yourself to others walks & places. God is using you right where you are & with the very things you are doing! Now that's not to say that you (& myself included) should not stop becoming more & more in the image of Christ each & every moment! Continue to grow in His conviction & repentance, working out YOUR salvation. (I hope this is an encouragment because that is what I am wanting it to be:)
I know for me it was that word in the BSF question 'abundantly' that triped me up. I know I have been used by God to bless others but I don't see myself abundantly blessin others. Just like you, too much of myself gets in the way.
Thanks Charis....It was that word abundantly and also just that idea that so much of my life is a reflection of Charli and not Him. Like I said, sometimes I wonder if it's attack b/c I feel soo disconnected from everyone, all interactions seem momentary and instead of hearing God saying, "Well done, good and faithful servant" - I hear disappointment and that idea that all along I've been seeking to know HIM, but I've spent so much time looking for Him, I've missed the bigger picture.... Thank you for your encouragement and challenge to not compare... It's not that I want to lead someone to Christ - I just want to do what He's called me to do, I don't want to neglect anything, I want Him to be pleased.
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