Fixing My Eyes

Yesterday was our first day of home-school.  I felt totally unprepared for it and yet felt I could no longer put it off and I think part of me hoped that maybe it would just flow even though I wasn't totally organized.  We started out by going out to breakfast - our tradition from when Jake started Kindergarten.  Although, again I felt disappointed in myself because I didn't have all their back-to-school gifts boughten and ready to give. 

On our way home, we stopped at the church property to walk the Prayer Path that Cal had mowed in the meadow there.  I explained to the kids that they could pray about anything they wanted, but that the goal was to shake off all about this world that hinders us and focus on God.   It was a beautiful sight to watch our five children circle around on a seemingly hidden path and knowing that they were all  right on the path God has for them.  I found myself picking wildflowers as I walked the path too.

But then we came home and I felt myself get more distracted by the chaos in our home, the boys' asking for help on Math, Maddie asking "What more can I do Mom?" and Nate inquiring "When am I gonna do something?"  Meanwhile, the messy house, the bag of tomatoes by the sink that needed to be washed, the clutter everywhere I turned, and my own "condemner" in my head pushed me down into the pit.  Instead of joy and beauty, I felt saddness and disappointment at the day I had created for our children. 

But I did glimpse beauty in watching Nate - when I finally let everything else go and just sat and did Nature Study with him.  He was drawing a picture of the Monarch caterpillar's Chyrsallis and he didn't need any help from me - he was so excited to be "doing school" that he just went to town!

Yet the enemy was out to steal my joy once again because the tape holding the chyrsallis up came loose and it fell to the table right in front of us.  It began dripping out of the bottom and I felt so sad.  Sad to that it happened, sad to think the miracle going on inside will be halted and sad that something else had to go wrong to dampen my joy.  It seeped over our dinner table - while our kids told Ted they had a good day at school today.  I couldn't accept what they said though because my view was that the day had been a disaster.  Later that evening, Ted and I were talking on the couch and we heard, but could not see, a tree fall in the woods.  The sound was painful and immediately I thought, "That is the sound my life has been today."  I went to bed, discouraged about my walk and everything God puts in my life to do.

But this morning, time with Him brought me glimpses of truth.  "They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. " 

A song by Shawn McDonald encouraged me... Open Me
Would You open up eyes, so I can see
Would You open up my ears, so I can hear
Would You open up my mind, so I can know
Would You open up my heart, so could love You more

I want to serve You, my God
I want to give everything
I want to serve You, my King, yeah
I want to serve You, my Lord
I want to give You everything, yeah

Here I am with my arms open wide
Asking for You to come up, up inside
Won’t You make me new, won’t You make me true
Jesus, won’t You make me like You, oh

Will You touch my eyes so I can see
Will You touch my ears so I can hear
Will You touch my mind so I can know
Will You touch my heart so I can love You more

Won’t You open me
Won’t You open me, open me
Won’t You open me, open me
Won’t You open me, open me
Won’t You open me, open me 

While I listened to that song, the warmth of the sun creeping through one corner of the window caught my eye, it was yellow, warm even though it was light outside, but the warm light was just reaching the house.  I heard the Holy Spirit whisper into my soul, "Let me light you like that.  Even though you are alive, true life comes from me and I grow and fill all the dark places." 

Then Ted asked me to walk w/ him down Crocus Trail with Maddie & Nate and we picked flowers we'd never seen and the first red maple leaf in our path....

Then I came in and peered at the chrysallis, expecting to see it all black and rotting.  But instead I saw God's Hand again..... 

The chyrsallis is still green, there is evidence of the damage done yesterday, but it is scabbed over and holding together now.   Just like me - bruised,  imperfect, but still here waiting to see what beautiful thing God will do in me.

¹⁸So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.  2 Corinthians 4:18