Thoughts of a 41 year old

Yeah, I know, you all are surprised by the news right? Yes, I am 41, although today I kind of acted like a 13 year old I think. But God is good - so I gotta shame myself even more and write it out for the whole world to know, just so I can share how awesome He is!!!

As most of you know, God has me leading worship at our church currently - a serving area that I wanted to ignore at first, but even though it would've been easily justifed to say no to the church, I could not say no to Him, I just love Him too much. So last night at practice it was one of those where I quickly saw a pattern of how I can't hit the right notes vocally, began to screw up acoustically, and of course the enemy topped it all off with a giant "You suck as a leader!" I came home crying out, 'Lord, what can you possibly be thinking of using me here?' Somehow I had to find a way to squelch those negative thoughts, remind myself that I can only do my best and that for now He still has me in this position and reminding myself that when I am weak - He is strong.

Fast forward to church today, God is good because thoughts of Him overwhelmed the worship time for me and I felt so focused on how indescribable each moment of my journey to know Him is...So I gave Cal the go-ahead that I wanted to share a song during offering that my brother taught me and that I sing whenever I'm feeling down because the lyrics remind me that His love is what I need most of all (little irony here that you'll understand later)..... (It's called Most of All by Glenn Kaiser). As I started to play and sing, the fear and mounting whispers of 'you're gonna screw up - you know you can't hit the right notes, you know you're gonna flub up the chord walkdown' began and before I knew it I was missing chords left and right and I tried to tell the whispers to 'shut up!' (I know - harsh language in church). But progressively I saw what a wreck the song had become, like a freight train when it derails - car smashing, bracing yourself for the next car hitting, then wham again. So what does any person do in that situation? JUMP OUT OF THE WAY - so I did just that. I stopped playing midsong and said, "I'm sorry. Let's just end it here" and went to my seat with my head down. I think I even embarrassed my son, Jake, because he never looked at me for the rest of the sermon!

I sat there, in that front row, with all those people sitting behind me, imagining how foolish I looked to everyone and how they probably were fighting off not laughing outright at me! That's what the deceiver wanted me to think they were doing. My pastor was preaching out of Malachi and I automatically turned to it and tried to focus, but it was just a blur of words while the real lesson was going on in my head....and I remember crying out once again, "Lord, why am I here? What could You possibly see in me to think You can use me?" Then my eyes started reading at Malachi 1:2 "I have loved you deeply," says the Lord" and the Holy Spirit did a dance on my heart and I read and reread that verse. Immediately the accusations stop - immediately I'm lost in center of His love - immediately I'm reminded that His love is what I need most of all. Even when I fail miserably, He loves me deeply. How can that be? What can I ever do to be deserving of that? Nothing.

At the age of 41, I'm still brought to tears by the truth of His love for me...that it is wider than the east is from the west, deeper than the ocean and higher than the heavens. Just as Paul wrote in Ephesians 3, "When I think of the wisdom and scope of God's plan, I fall to my knees and pray to the Father, the Creator of everything in heaven and on earth. I pray that from his glorious, unlimited resources he will give (me) mighty inner strength through his Holy Spirit. And I pray that Christ will be more and more at home in (my) heart as (I) trust in him. May (my) roots go down deep into the soil of God's marvelous love. And may (I) have the power to understand, as all God's people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love really is."

Thank you Father for being patient with this 41 year old, who acts like a child. Thank you for speaking to me through Your word at exactly the time I needed to hear it - that You love me deeply, imperfectness and all. Thank you for picking me up every time I fall and wreck, kissing away my failures and making me smile! Your love is what I need most of all!