Slowing Down

I hate being late...Don't know exactly why....I just want to respect people's time, want them to respect mine, and probably don't want to pegged the person who is always late with a van-load of kids. Today the older boys had ortho appts. and we wouldn't have been late, until amidst all my "Let's go! Someone kennel the dogs! Grab a book so you won't be bored!" Ben came in from the van and reminded me that the van is on E and we'll need to stop and get gas.

Grrrr.... I hate that when that happens. So since I hate being late, I focus the whole way there on driving at the edge of speeding, checking the time again and again and thinking, "We may just may make it on time." Jake talks to me from the front seat and I seem to pay attention, but in reality my thoughts are consumed by not being late.

Then as I'm passing a truck that is moving too slowly for my time-table I realize, on the other side of the truck is my exit!! I immediately am mad at myself, mad that I had to get gas, mad that I'm going to have to loose time by going to the next exit and backtracking.....when I possibly hear someone say, "Mom?" I turn the music down some and listen... "Mom?" I ask, "What?!" (because you know I'm irritated at being late) and Isaiah says to me, "I'd like to get baptized."

I'd like to pretend I responded in a perfect mom way, but you already know I'm not perfect and so I said, "That's cool...Okay." As I really am focused on speeding up a little to approach the next exit quicker and turn the music back up.

Then a few seconds later I realize I'm missing it again! I'm missing the Joy exit, the Love exit, the Gift exit! So I turn the music back down and ask Isaiah why - what has happened or changed that he's wanting to do this.... and he says, "I dunno....it's probably from listening to Francis Chan the other day and what he said and I just want to give God everything" as his voice breaks.

As a parent, sometimes I'm oblivious to how God's working because I'm so focused on MY agenda and I'm grieved to admit how much of my days are task focused. A few days ago, I was doing school planning in the dining room and playing some Francis Chan sermon podcasts and my kids were in the living room playing, but Isaiah was sitting just listening....God was at work in his spirit....

Lord, please continue to teach me to slow down...Don't let me "miss" another exit of Jake telling me something HE finds interesting, don't let me "miss" another exit of being there to rejoice in what You're doing in others' lives, don't let me "miss" another exit of closeness with my children - whether that's reading them a book, snuggling in the early morning hours, being there mentally to hear their heart and what they are sharing....My heart longs to be free of my agenda so that I can savor Your agenda in my life, the moments each day you give me. Thank You for the gas tank on E, for the missed exit, for the lesson to pay more attention to people and less attention to me. Thank you most of all for Isaiah's decision to identify himself with You, to die to himself publicly and to be a reflection of You. More of You, less of him. More of You, less of me.