Give Thanks in All Circumstances

1. 
   
   

   Struggling with yesterday's thankfulness....It's not because I don't see anything good....there are lots of things like watching Maddie and Ben and Ted prepare to go hunting together in the wee hours of the morning, having time to get some things completed and marked off my To Do list, time in Gods Word and how it sets my heart aflame and in awe.... I had these things I was so excited to share with pictures and word....

   BUT yesterday also had something happen that left me and our family feeling sick, angry, betrayed, confused and hurt. And as I watch my children struggle with these feelings, as do I, the Holy Spirit asks, "Will you be thankful in this? Will you be thankful for betrayal, for how evil has touched your children?" And as a believer and lover of Christ, how do I choose to respond?
   
   By will and out of love and devotion for the One who went through worse for me, I choose to respond with a resounding YES! I'm thankful this morning for the betrayal because in this situation I have an opportunity to open my children's eyes to what God is doing in it. He is growing each one of us to be more like Him, to love when others don't love, to forgive when others don't forgive, to let go of the things of this world that don't matter, for the things NOT of this world that do! Thank for Lord for bringing that person into our lives, who unknowingly was used by You and who would open our eyes and hearts up more and more to YOU.
   
   1 Thessalonians 5:16-18
   16 Rejoice always, 17 pray continually, 18 give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.

1000 Gifts and Counting

We thank you, O God!!  We give thanks because You are near.

Psalm 75:1

I am so thankful for the big and little things as I clean and box up our belongings.  Here are just a few....

1094.  Large paper drawings that kids have drawn for me over the years that have served as the decoration in my bedroom.  Now they have to be preserved in a photo because the original is in bad condition.

1095.  Reminders on white shirts in my closet that this is real - it's not all in my mind or that all this work is for nothing.

1096. Seeing the boxes begin to stack up....

1097.  Friends who come over to help and work with us....that is a blessing as well...that we can work in the same room instead of working seperately throughout the house.....any time together is a blessing

1098. Pizza & slush to reward hard work!
1099. Blackboard where I can write the reminder for our family that we are bringing shalom into this chaos with our hearts and actions and words

 1100.  More friends!  They played the whole time, but that was a blessing too!

1101.  Handmade gifts that are treasured by us, covered in soot, but we are able to get mostly clean. (this head garland was made by Amy Cooper)

1102.  This rainbow silk was made by Amy Cooper and myself when we lived next to one another on Ash Street.

1103.  Risk frenzy in the midst of chaos....kids having game after game....all precipitated by Nater's constant requests of one and all, "Wanna play Risk with me?"

1104.  Seeing Nater decked out in knight/mosquito protection as he shoots bow.

1105.  Lessons God whispers into our situation as I begin in another room and uncover more soot.  How often we want to deny that there is any sin issue we need to address in our life (similar to Ted's insistance that there was nothing out of the ordinary going on in our house when I would complain of the dirty house or carpets) and also how when we start peeling back and taking spiritual stock of our heart - we begin to see how insidious sin really is and how prevealent it is (just like here in the classroom after I took down our 13 colony timeline).  Only then can we do the work to remove it - first we have to see it!

1106.  Amy B. & KC both supporting, praying, listening to me before I had shalom in this chaos
1107.  Yummy meal that Amy brought that we spread out for days!!
1108.  Sunshine - name and the person behind the name who guides me thru this process

 1109.  Jake's music echoing through the house as I work....makes me smile now! His song about time.

1110.  Natalie letting me borrow more Ray Vander Laan to listen to as I work!  Kids are also listening to him in other rooms.
1111.  Changing my focus off self and onto thankfulness and the reminder that in every circumstance I'm building His church and to be bringing shalom into chaos.

1112.  hearing things like "it's like the sky or heaven", "it's white like us after Jesus washed our sins away", "it's like the color of honey because remember Taste and See that the Lord is good!" coming out of my kid's mouths as they try to convince each other what color they should go with for their rooms

1113.  Time in the Word to refresh my soul....helping me to go to Him for all my needs

Hebrews 4:16 

So let us come boldly to the throne of our gracious God.  

There we will receive his mercy, and we will find grace to help us when we need it most.

1114.  Boys - amazing helpers anytime I ask!

1115.  Farmers Insurance - each time I start working in a new area of the house and see all the soot, I whisper how thankful I am for the insurance company covering this - without their help we'd be stuck living in it.  Which in turn - spurns me on to thank Christ each time as well, for the price He paid to wash my sins aways.....Where would I be without Him????

1116.  Washer, dryer and dishwasher  to clean things - each day all are loaded many times with sooty items to clean - every time I pull out something I'm blown away with thankfulness.

1117.  Chemical sponges - lifesaving tool to clean pictures!

1118.  Exhaustion at the end of the day

1119.  Soot.....I am thankful for it, for how it has reminded me once again of what truly is important in this life - what is lasting - what I want to focus on - not on things but on those He has put in my life to love and care for and for His Word!!

Savoring God's Goodness to Me

Sometimes I feel like I can savor God's goodness to me...like I savor bacon ranch breadsticks from Tom's Pizza...or a Hersey Kiss as it melts in my mouth...or a much needed hug from my husband that just engulfs me.  Last night was one of those nights.  I did my BSF lesson and no "lightening bolts" or epiphanies occurred, went to BSF with my kids and went into my discussion group.  We were studying Isaiah 58 and 59...and came to the question about these verses...

v6 No, this is the kind of fasting I want: Free those who are wrongly imprisoned; lighten the burden of those who work for you. Let the oppressed go free and remove the chains that bind people.  Share your food with the hungry, and give shelter to the homeless. Give clothes to those who need them, and no not hide from relatives who need your help. 

And the Holy Spirit set to work on my heart, removing the scales from my eyes to see more.....if I had to describe it in words, it would be like magic in movies....how the words "imprisoned" "burden" "remove the chains" "hungry" "food" "homeless" "shelter" "hide" "need help" leapt off the page in brilliance and became more than the simple eye sees.  I began to think of those around me that are imprisoned and burdened by chains not visibly, but spiritually.  I thought of those around me who are soo hungry, not for tangible food necessarily but the food I was feasting on - God's Word.  I thought of those around me who are homeless, who don't seem to fit in at church like me and who need God's shelter so desperately.  I thought of how I "hide" from people who need my help - need me to be His LOVE.  I began to jot down those things next to those verses, so as to not let the Holy Spirit's teaching be lost in my daily life.....

Then we went into lecture and again, it was nothing spectacular that Vonnie said (even though she is an awesome teacher), but it was the spectacular work of the Holy Spirit, God's Word and a teachable spirit.  Isaiah 59 went on to say,

"It's your sins that have cut you off from God", 

and where my eyes had been blind before, the scales fell off and I just sat there while Vonnie lectured and pondered the truth of those words in my life.   Do I want to EVER be separated from God or cut off from Him?  Where do I fool myself in not recognizing that every aspect of my life AFFECTS my relationship with God?  Then I took a hard look at my life and all the "relationships" in my life that my sin (my hurt, my anger, my insecurity, my envy, my jealousy, my offense) slips into, which then cause me to react usually by withdrawing and then a rift starts to grow not only in those relationships but also in my relationship with God!  I sat there and filled out a whole notebook page listing areas where my sin creates chasms and then just sat there and wanted to cry at all the distance I was blind to between me and God.  It was a visual of vs 12

"For our sins are piled up before God and testify against us."  

My head (this world...the deceiver) tells me that in those human relationships, I'm doing the best I can and more readily acquiese to the consequences - the distance from people, but when I see them in the light of what it causes between me and God I cannot continue on the same path - I cannot - will not let the Deceiver blind me to the whole truth.

I couldn't wait to get in the car, to hear how God spoke to my kids this night, to share with them how He spoke to me and to seek their forgiveness for spewing poison within their hearing so many times....in my critical comments of others.  In the end I told them, "I love BSF and I think it's a great TOOL, but IT's not the GREAT thing....GOD is the GREAT thing....seeing how the HOLY SPIRIT TEACHES this stubborn heart takes my breath away....experiencing the WORD of GOD coming ALIVE and jumping off the page in brilliant light is the thing that makes me want to shout from the nearest hilltop and tell everyone I see how GREAT HE IS!!!!!"

1000 Gifts and Counting.....

1076.  gazing into Addison's eyes while feeding her a bottle - like a gift from heaven amidst all the things to do

1077.  family of bluebirds spied by Nater, kids clustering around windows to see
1078.  blood-red capped woodpeckers
1079.  cooing coming from living room
1080.  girl fingers gently coaxing a beautiful melody from an old piano

1081.  kids sprawled out in bedroom as we discover what heaven will be like for us and those we love (reading Heaven for Kids by Randy Alcorn)

1082.  Isaiah 46: 1-2....Word revealing how idols are a burden and go with me right into captivity....v 3-4  that the true God carries me and saves me....the thought coming to my mind that he carried me on the road to Calvary
1083.  BSF - reminder that God is true to His word - so I can trust Him in different situations and there can build Euchristeo to see His Hand all the time
1084.  busy friend who sacrifices more of her precious time to help me get oldest boys to art
1085.  carmel mocha coffees to waken me on car drives
1086.  heart that seeks to apply - seeks to see faults and areas to grow every time I look in the Word - tender heart - for so long I felt it was a burden to have and made me "less" than everyone else.....I appreciate it now
1087.  discipline kids have to "attack" school in order to be done earlier
1088.  baby Addison's smiles and cooing
1089.  pain in knee getting better
1090.  remembering moment we realized we'd never see our dear 7 year old friend, Jeremiah, on this side of heaven again
1091.  heavy heart for Coopers that intensifies as I read through long-awaited letter...realizing how much I miss her "voice" in my life...you cannot capture that in Facebook or emails
1092.  Isaiah 49:4  "I replied, But my work seems so useless!  I have spent my strength for nothing and to no purpose.  Yet I leave it all in the Lord's Hand; I will trust God for my reward."....I was struck with how these could be my words all the time as a mother, or as a worship leader, or as a friend....but they are Christ's words!  All I need to do is follow His example.
1093.  children lost in a world full of history and God's faithfulness.....The Devil's Arithmetic by Jane Yolen

1094.  fat, stubby 7 year old hands....worn by the sun and dirt contrasted with soft, wrinkley 6 month old feet

1095.  the passages of life....loosing one's baby teeth...won't he always be my baby?  I think that of each of them!

1096. two cutsie-patutsie girls

1097.  Dr. Hart, her gentleness and attention to Nater who has strep once again

1098.  Ben-Jammin making lunch for family and when I suggest we should assign each older boy a day they must make lunch, he responds with a quote from Nacho Libre which makes me laugh....."They make me cook the stew and stuff and they don't even give me money for fresh ingredients."

1099.  Is there a gift in how obvious it can be when one guitarist is adored and the other is ignored?  I'm looking for the gift even though it hurts.

1100.  weariness and rest

1101.  listening to worship team share God-sightings in their lives thru teachings....pennies on the ground....lottery ticket winnings enough to provide food the remainder of the week....scripture speaking truth into my life

1102.  learning experience for Jake & Dysart boys in the Dansville Talent Show....to not rush themselves, setup until comfortable

1103.  words spoken by Jake before their song, "Broken Mess" to a gym of unexpected people....sharing the story of Hosea and his prostitute wife and how it parallels God's love for us

1104.  mother's heart that just wants everyone to see/hear what her kid can do - God teaching me it's not about his talent, it's about his heart - what he's willing to say in front of a crowd - how he's willing to proclaim the Lord's name unashamed.  Forgive me Lord for my wrong focus once again

1105.  daily reminder of how imperfect I am 

1106.  struggles at church for me.....constantly questioning what God is doing with having me lead worship....questioning why after 7 years at this church I still feel like a freak and as if no one wants to connect with me, even though I try so hard to step out and show interest in others.....then how God spoke thru BSF lesson this week....God is the only TRUE source of SECURITY....What do I hold onto?  What is my "blankee?"  What would it look life if I actually trusted God for my security?  All of it reinforcing once again that I need to walk in obedience, be a light, be an example of someone sold out for the Lord, despite the returns...

1107.  quiet house again Sunday pm as kids all left with Ted - it always strikes me first as a sign of my unimportance, but quickly it turned to an enjoyable time that I could putter with pictures and read blogs and download Ray Vanderlaan lectures to listen to

1108.  focus this week in worship at HUB....Hosea 6:6  I want you to show love, not offer sacrifices.  I want you to know me more than I want burnt offerings.

1109.  laughing at kids' silly expressions and ramblings 

1110.  quotes that make me laugh...."they think I don't know a butt-load of crap about the gospel, but I do!"  (Nacho Libre)

1111.  battling the constant attack/whisper "What is it about you that keeps people away?"

1112.  unable to escape cloud of "God's forgotten me...I'm overlooked or un-encouraged"....walk in the doors of BSF with this struggle and leave totally different.....felt encouraged thru Gina reaching out to me with words of understanding...I'm not ODD and thru Vonnie's lecture from beginning to end

1113.  warm spots on living room floor where sun beats in and dogs rest

1114.  listening to my dad's voice over phone as he answers Nate's questions about his childhood and then getting to watch him draw Spencer Tracy for Nate's notebook

1093.  thankful that I followed Holy Spirit's leading to invite a family over for dinner after church.  After they left, we were all struck with how we take for granted God's blessings in our house (which they called a mansion),  our dinner (which young boy asked if it's like this all the time), and our peace and joy in each other

Count the Cost

It costs something to be a true Christian. Let that never be forgotten. To be a mere nominal Christian, and go to church, is cheap and easy work. But to hear Christ’s voice, and follow Christ, and believe in Christ, and confess Christ, requires much self-denial. It will cost us our sins, and our self-righteousness, and our ease, and our worldliness. All- all must be given up. We must fight an enemy who comes against us with twenty thousand followers. We must build a tower in troubled times. Our Lord Jesus Christ would have us thoroughly understand this. He bids us “count the cost.”

~ J.C. Ryle

This last week in Experience God I was bombarded with the words costly....to be obedient will be costly....to follow Him where He leads will be costly....God is so cool how He doesn't let me get away with my, "I'll just think about that tomorrow" heart lately.  I love Him!

The Background

I love the lyrics to this song by Lecrae.  We may not be pop stars, but I find myself still being a "performer"....without knowing how I got there, I find myself "performing" and grieved by how quickly I can become the focus instead of Him.  Let me be a trail of stardust leading to the superstar!


I could play the background
I could play the background
'Cause I know sometimes I get in the way
So won't You take the lead, lead, lead?
So won't You take the lead, lead, lead?
And I could play the background, background
And you could take the lead

It's evident you run the show, so let me back down
You take the leading role, and I'll play the background
I know I miss my cues, know I forget my lines
I'm sticking to your script, and I'm reading all your signs (Aye)
I don't need my name in lights, (Aye) I don't need a starring role
Why gain the whole wide world, If I'm just going lose my soul?
And my ways ain't purified, don't live according to Your Word
I can't endure this life without Your wisdom being heard
So word to every dancer for a pop star
'Cause we all play the background, but mine's a rockstar
Yeah, so if you need me I'll be stage right
Praying the whole world would start embracing stage fright
So let me fall back, stop giving my suggestions
'Cause when I follow my obsessions, I end up confessin'
That I'm not that impressive, matter of fact
I'm who I are, a trail of stardust leading to the superstar

I could play the background
I could play the background
'Cause I know sometimes I get in the way
So won't You take the lead, lead, lead?
So won't You take the lead, lead, lead?
And I could play the background, background
And you could take the lead

Yo, I had a dream that I was captain of my soul
I was master of my fate, lost control, and then I sank
So I don't want to take the lead, 'cause I'm prone to make mistakes
All these folks who follow me, goin' end up in the wrong place
So just let me shadow you, just let me trace your lines
Matter of fact, just take my pen, here, you create my rhymes
'Cause if I do this by myself, I'm scared that I'll succeed
And no longer trust in You, 'cause I only trust in me
And see, that's how you end up headed to destruction
Paving a road to nowhere, pour your life out for nothin'
You pulled my card, I'm bluffin', You know what's in my hand
Me, I just roll and trust you, You cause the dice to land
I'm in control of nothing, follow You at any cost
Some call it sovereign will, all I know is you the boss
And man, I'm so at ease, I'm so content
I'll play the background, like it's an instrument

I could play the background
I could play the background
'Cause I know sometimes I get in the way
So won't You take the lead, lead, lead?
So won't You take the lead, lead, lead?
And I could play the background, background
And you could take the lead

I know I'm safest when I'm in Your will, and trust Your Word
I know I'm dangerous when I trust myself, my vision blurred
And I ain't got no time to play life's foolish games
Got plenty aims, but do they really Glorify Your name?
And it's a shame, the way I want to do these things for You, yeet
Don't even cling to you, take time to sit and glean from You
It seems like You were patient in my ignorance
If ignorance is bliss, it's 'cause she never heard of this

I could play the background
I could play the background
'Cause I know sometimes I get in the way
So won't You take the lead, lead, lead?
So won't You take the lead, lead, lead?
And I could play the background, background
And you could take the lead

Slowing Down

I hate being late...Don't know exactly why....I just want to respect people's time, want them to respect mine, and probably don't want to pegged the person who is always late with a van-load of kids. Today the older boys had ortho appts. and we wouldn't have been late, until amidst all my "Let's go! Someone kennel the dogs! Grab a book so you won't be bored!" Ben came in from the van and reminded me that the van is on E and we'll need to stop and get gas.

Grrrr.... I hate that when that happens. So since I hate being late, I focus the whole way there on driving at the edge of speeding, checking the time again and again and thinking, "We may just may make it on time." Jake talks to me from the front seat and I seem to pay attention, but in reality my thoughts are consumed by not being late.

Then as I'm passing a truck that is moving too slowly for my time-table I realize, on the other side of the truck is my exit!! I immediately am mad at myself, mad that I had to get gas, mad that I'm going to have to loose time by going to the next exit and backtracking.....when I possibly hear someone say, "Mom?" I turn the music down some and listen... "Mom?" I ask, "What?!" (because you know I'm irritated at being late) and Isaiah says to me, "I'd like to get baptized."

I'd like to pretend I responded in a perfect mom way, but you already know I'm not perfect and so I said, "That's cool...Okay." As I really am focused on speeding up a little to approach the next exit quicker and turn the music back up.

Then a few seconds later I realize I'm missing it again! I'm missing the Joy exit, the Love exit, the Gift exit! So I turn the music back down and ask Isaiah why - what has happened or changed that he's wanting to do this.... and he says, "I dunno....it's probably from listening to Francis Chan the other day and what he said and I just want to give God everything" as his voice breaks.

As a parent, sometimes I'm oblivious to how God's working because I'm so focused on MY agenda and I'm grieved to admit how much of my days are task focused. A few days ago, I was doing school planning in the dining room and playing some Francis Chan sermon podcasts and my kids were in the living room playing, but Isaiah was sitting just listening....God was at work in his spirit....

Lord, please continue to teach me to slow down...Don't let me "miss" another exit of Jake telling me something HE finds interesting, don't let me "miss" another exit of being there to rejoice in what You're doing in others' lives, don't let me "miss" another exit of closeness with my children - whether that's reading them a book, snuggling in the early morning hours, being there mentally to hear their heart and what they are sharing....My heart longs to be free of my agenda so that I can savor Your agenda in my life, the moments each day you give me. Thank You for the gas tank on E, for the missed exit, for the lesson to pay more attention to people and less attention to me. Thank you most of all for Isaiah's decision to identify himself with You, to die to himself publicly and to be a reflection of You. More of You, less of him. More of You, less of me.

Daily Food

The time our family spends together in the morning, after satisfying physical hunger, letting the Holy Spirit fill our spiritual hunger through the God's Word is a blessing to me time and time again.  We have to purpose to carve out this time, it doesn't naturally come or happen and in fact, for about 1 week, we had let it fall aside as we pursued worldly goals. 

This morning we returned our hearts and faces back to Him upon rising and were overwhelmed with His love.  We read from 2 Samuel 7, which tells the story of how David, after being established comfortably as king, sought to build the Ark a beautiful dwelling.  He asked Nathan, the prophet, who gave him the go ahead, but then after hearing from the Lord, came back to David and told him that God said no.  Then David responded by going off and praying to God and thanking Him.

After we read a passage, we always ask ourselves, "What do I see in this?  What can I learn about God, about others, about myself?  What is the Holy Spirit trying to teach me in this?"

The first thing that we noticed, is how cool it was that David - in the midst of "good times", living in a beautiful cedar palace, resting - still had God's pleasure as his focus.  He knew where his blessings were coming from and wanted, longed to do something in return for God to show him the depth of his love for God.  The Holy Spirit questioned me, "Charli, how often do you react like that?  When life is good, do you keep God first in your life, or do you start to take for granted that things will be good and let your quiet times slip by or slack off on seeking Him, knowing Him, pleasing Him?"  It was a challenge to our whole family to never stop seeking Him.

Then Dad pointed out how God responded just like a parent.  "That's okay....I don't need a grander temple right now..."  He saw how parents sacrifice for their kids to have things or do things, knowing that there will be a time in the future when things will change.

I was really struck by David's response to God's "No".  David didn't get offended that God turned down his idea sparked out of love.  How many times to I do that, with God or with those around me?  When I think I have this great plan to do something and how it stems from love, but people don't receive it or God seems to shut the door on it, I tend to respond in offense.  

We then turned to read out of 1 Chronicles 17 and I prefaced it by telling the kids that it's going to be a retelling of what we just read in Samuel.  So in our minds I wonder if we were all "checking out" and not expecting any new revelations, but then God does the unexpected and speaks right into each of our hearts.  I read it aloud until the magnitude of the words caught in my throat.

Read it aloud, let the words become your words, like I did this morning....

"Who am I, O LORD God, and what is my family, that you have brought me this far?  And now, O God, in addition to everything else, you speak of giving your servant a lasting dynasty!  You speak as though I were someone very great, O LORD God!  What more can I say to you about the way you have honored me?  You know what your servant is really like.  For the sake of your servant, O LORD, and according to your will, you have done all these great things and have made them known.  O LORD, there is no one like you.  We have never even heard of another god like You!"

We sat there, with tears streaming down my face, identifying with the heart of David.  The LORD God knows Ted, Charli, Jake, Isaiah, Ben, Maddie, Nate.  He speaks of us as if we were very great.  He honors us by wanting to be in relationship with us.  He knows what each of us is REALLY like, deep in our hidden hearts.  Yet HE does everything in our lives to bring about His will.  There is no other god like HIM - not money, not possessions, not food, not relationships, not the good opinion of others.  There is no other god like the LORD God!

Speaks in Our Defense

It never ceases to amaze me, how in the mundane grind, God speaks truth into my life....gives me joy....gives me light to hold onto!  This past week, as I was helping Nate with his BSF lesson, I was reading aloud to him from 1 John 2:1-2.....

But if anybody does sin, we have one who speaks to the Father in our defense—Jesus Christ, the Righteous One. ²He is the atoning sacrifice for our sins, and not only for ours but also for the sins of the whole world. 

Immediately, I was captivated by the words... we have one who speaks to the Father in our defense - Jesus Christ, the Righteous One.  Most days I get so caught up in the "truth" here on this earth that the enemy loves to flaunt in my face, the "truth" that I've failed once again, the "truth" that I'll never be good enough, the "truth" that I'm unworthy of Christ's love.  And in the scenario here, I am guilty and I would be the first to confess that.  

But what the Holy Spirit reminded me that day is that I focus too much on the earthly focus and don't spend enough time focusing on the drama that is going on daily, hourly on my behalf.  Every time I screw up down here, the accuser is pointing my failures out to my heavenly Father, but before the accusations are even out of his mouth, Jesus...the Righteous One....the One who endured excruciating pain and death for me and you...the One who has an unfathomable love for me....stands and comes before the Father on my behalf and defends me....reminds Him that my sins have been paid for with His blood and that I am now hidden in Christ!  Who can understand it?!  But how the thought of it makes my heart soar on days the accuser wants it to sink!  

This image has also grieved my spirit too and caused me to "check" my tongue, my actions, my life....To think that I remind Jesus daily, hourly of my lack of appreciation for what He's done for me by sinning....I envision it like a knife into His heart, to realize I know what He's done for me and yet still choose to sin!  May the image of what goes on in heaven on my behalf be burned into my mind each day and stop me when I'm on the course of sinning.  Scripture, so small, and yet so powerful to move my heart and change me day by day! 

The LORD your God

Family in jammies, heads bent over bibles as I helped Nate track Ted reading from Deuteronomy 7 & 8.  Some think the Old Testament is hard to read, but I love it.  As I listened, Moses said (with a Ted accent) time and time again, "the LORD your God".  In fact, in these two chapters he said it 25 times!  I began to contemplate why did Moses say it like this?  Why didn't he just say "the LORD" or "God"?  Why did he connect "the LORD" with "your God"?  

And this is what the Holy Spirit spoke into my soul, Moses was trying to get the people to grasp that the LORD whose name is unspeakable, comes from YHWH - his personal name that was considered too holy by the Jews to even utter, this same LORD is my God!  And I thought of the love I felt for my husband before we were married and how I looked forward to the day of our wedding when I could then say he was my husband or to the day when my first child was born and I could say this is my child.  That claim, that honor, that right should be magnified when I think of who my God is!  How many times have I read the phrase, "the LORD your God" and it didn't take my breath away??  This morning it took my breath away and brought a huge smile to my face!  And not only to mine, but to my children's.... Jake, this is the LORD your God....Isaiah, this is the LORD your God....Benjamin, this is the LORD your God...Madeline, this is the LORD your God....Nathaniel, this is the LORD your God!!!!!

Family in jammies, heads bent over bibles as we looked for and circled the phrase, "the LORD your God".

Faith...Failure...Fear...Faith #2

Today, as I was hoping and praying, God continued to work out this story in my heart. This morning and last night, I was being pulled by the undertow of the enemy, who accuses me that I'm nothing, that there must be something about me people don't like, that I need to be great in other's eyes, and on and on. Once he had me focused on the lies of my worth, he went on to question my faithfulness to God, do I really want there to be more of Him and less of me in my life b/c it's obviously all about me. This accusation cut even deeper because I pray all the time for there to be more of Him and less of me in my life, yet it is glaringly obvious that my pride is still huge!

Last night at BSF, it was all about Jesus serving the disciples and washing their feet and His command that the greatest needs to be the least in the Kingdom of God. I sat there and agreed and thought, "This is the road of dying to self I've been on," but in the blink of an eye, Satan had me focusing on all the wrong things as I watched others talk and mingle.

Today, I spent time praying that God would be patient with me, that He would give me grace and mold and shape this prideful heart of mine.  To be honest, that if it was possible, He could rip this heart of mine out.   In our BSF notes, that I read today, I began crying when I read...

"We are great in God's eyes when we humble ourselves to serve others. In whose eyes do you want to be great?"

After the reality check of last night, I have to confess it is in man's eyes I want to be great. Crying and feeling like the father in Mark 9:24 who said, "I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!", I prayed, "I do want More of You and Less of me Lord; help me change my heart completely and press in and mold my heart till there is no room for pride. Help me Father to do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than myself. (Phil. 2:3) And in doing so to focus on how You see me and to not listen to the deceiver...."

Then God used a dear friend to encourage me and pray for me later on today. And tonight as our family fed on God's Word after dinner, God's voice was like an arrow straight into my heart. In Psalm 16:4a, 5-6 I read,

"The sorrows of those who run after another god shall multiply;....

The LORD is my chosen portion and my cup; 

You hold my lot. 

The lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; 

indeed, I have a beautiful inheritance." 

God is reminding me, 'Charli, your sorrows will increase as you run after the god of man's popularity.  I have chosen for you your portion, your cup, and your lot.  It is a pleasant place and I have given you a beautiful inheritance."  When it's put like that, how can I but cry, "Lord, forgive me!!  You are perfect and Your ways are perfect.  You have created me as I am, You have determined what my life will be like, what my social standing is to me, and being nothing....being a servant...being a quiet encourager...being a wallflower is a beautiful inheritance, when I remember that it is You who have given it to me."

All around the table listened intently as I cried and shared what God was saying to me tonight.  My fear has always been that my children will struggle with the same things I do, that I'm passing it onto them and ruining them.  But I know that by sharing how God is redeeming me...loving me...forgiving me....they will see that it doesn't end in tears of pain, it ends in tears of joy!

Faith...Failure...Fear...Faith

Tonight I feel like this little turtle, ready to pull everything in and stay safe inside my shell.  The well-worn whisper that there must be something wrong with me - it's the only explanation of why I feel like such a loser, why I feel like I have nothing to offer anyone, why I feel alone.  There is more to the story as the title suggests.....tonight was all about serving, taking the lowliest position...you know that whole idea of dying to self....and here I am crying, "What about me???"  Not only am I self-focused and juvenile, but the pain of failure to Him, who never failed me, hurts more than I can bear....  But the story will continue....Faith...Failure....Fear...Faith  I need to find my way back to Faith

Multitude Mondays

380. red-bellied woodpeckers

381. white cheddar popcorn salt
382. sleeping house, all is dark, floors creaking, snuggling up to talk with God
383. ear candling  (I can hear again!)

 384. "Is this deer, horse, or cow? What is it?" (youngest one asked me as I put his plate of venison in front of him)
385. walking down memory lane with my kids - playing Resurrection Band songs to show them their mom liked to rock it, Servant Band (God Gave Rock & Roll to You)
386.  Maddie's question, "What's a record?"
387. witnessing the "sparkly" snow-lined driveway tonight...children and I captivated by the beauty God gives to us on the way home from BSF
388. homeschool conference this past weekend, my sister & brother-in-law opening their home up to our kids and us, visiting with them until the clock struck midnight, time spent just with husband - talking and refocusing our efforts on why we homeschool and ideas of how we can change simple things to direct our hearts and our childrens' hearts to God
389. building new habits and traditions, family gathered around the table, eating physical food and then partaking of food for our souls....heads and hearts inclined to hear God speak to us all through His Word

390. stopping to look out at the birds, the beauty of it infects children as well, pulling up a chair to just be amazed at God's feathered creations

391. lesson whispered into my heart, as I cracked the window open to capture God's creatures with my camera only to wish I had a recorder as well....what I miss hearing when I stay "holed" up in my home with walls between me and nature....how similar it is to hearing God's voice - how I could miss it if I didn't open the "window" of God's Word and "listen" - don't we all need to pause, open the window and listen for God's voice - the laundry will wait, the phone call, the to-do list, all that we strive for in this earthly life to be productive drowns out the beauty of God's voice at times
392. labor of love...husband finishing a desk for me...
393. neighbors who take care of our animals while we're gone....loving them...and thereby loving us
394. coming home from the homeschool conference, not with numerous books on "How to Effectively Homeschool", but instead books that will spark imagination, discussion, emotion and knowledge.

395.  Sense & Sensibility dvd (newest version)....even with a family of 4 boys, love can capture their attentions
396.  faithful friends, even when time together is few and far between, the bond is still there

Watch Over My Heart

This past weekend, Ted said I was having a heart attack, but what I know is that it was just intense, physical pain brought on by the awareness of how I fail Christ and the bride of Christ.  You see, God's led me to a place of leadership within our local body, a place I vehemently did not want to go, but I knew God wanted my obedience.  I often say, "I don't know what God is thinking having me lead worship", but time and time again I recognize that it has been a good place for me because it has heightened my awareness of pride vs humility.  Whenever God calls me from this ministry or God brings someone better equipped to lead this ministry, my prayer is that it will be said of me that, "It wasn't about Charli.  It was all about HIM."

That is my prayer, but to be honest, I'm repeatedly reminded that without intention, I make it about Charli.  Such was the case this past weekend.  I went to worship practice, struggled against almost constant thoughts that I can't sing well, I can't lead a band well, I...I...I... and then the deceiver threw in another wrench on my already over-tightened screw.  Instead of asking me if she could sing a song this week for offering, a team member had asked the pastor.  Something so petty, so unimportant, such a good reminder that this is a team effort - and yet I felt the feelings of being offended rear up.  I tried not to let it show and tried to speak encouragement, hoping my heart would follow fully. 

But it bothered me and niggled at me, even after I had gone home. Inside I warred against my own thoughts, because I knew it was a sin - it was offense, it was a trap set by the devil.  When my husband came home, I finally let it out - had to verbalize the warring within me.  Even as I spoke the words, I could hear how silly it all was and voiced that as well.  We got in the car to go somewhere and I sat watching the landscape pass by, while my "world" was frozen by the scene of sin in my life.  Tears began to fall and I looked to Ted and said, "I'm ashamed of my reaction and cannot help but think someone else should be leading worship, someone who is not so quick to make everything about her, someone who does not struggle as much as I do."

Ted quietly responded, "Maybe that is exactly what makes you the best person for the job right now - you see your sin, you are grieved by your sin."

But the tears didn't stop because I want so much better for Christ's bride.  So much better than I have to offer.  A sharp pain in my chest ached long after our conversation as we sat in the car.  Quietly I prayed and thanked God for the pain - for the reminder that my sin grieves Him.  I prayed, "More of You, Less of me," the pain was welcomed - maybe it signifies a little bit of death of Charli.

A day or two later, I read this quote by J.C. Ryle....

“Is your heart right? Then be humble and watchful. You are not yet in heaven, but in the world. You are in the body. The devil is near you, and never sleeps. Oh, keep your heart with all diligence! Watch and pray lest you fall into temptation. Ask Christ Himself to keep your heart for you. Ask Him to dwell in it, and reign in it, and garrison it, and to put down every enemy under His feet.”

Lord, keep my heart for me, because I am too often weakened by my own selfish desires.. Reign in it, garrison it, and put down every enemy under Your feet!